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May 2000, Page 8.
Index of articles.
Questions:
index,
Confidentialities,
Yeast at HC.
In this issue:
(May 2000)
vicar's holidays,
question.
In our "Questions to the clergy" slot, John will try to answer any query you throw at him, without hesitation, deviation or repetition...
Please can I speak to you confidentially
A church magazine is partly for airing questions. So here's one I have often been asked:
Q. Vicar, please can I speak to you about something confidentially?
A. Yes and no. You can speak to me about a lot of things and trust me not to let it go any further. However, there are a few exceptions to this rule:
If you really mean can you borrow money from me, then I must tell you that I never give money over the vicarage doorstep. I will try to give various other sorts of help, but not cash.
If you're going to confess to a crime, or raise a concern about a child protection issue, then you can rely on me to take it further with the authorities.
If you're wanting me to sort something out without letting on that you are at the back of it, then it depends. A Sunday-School Teacher once asked me to get the Superintendent to change the rota round so that she could use different teaching material from what the other teachers all liked to use. That would have been fine if she had been prepared to say so herself, but if I'd interfered then the Superintendent would have rightly asked me to explain my reasons. How could I have done that without mentioning the name of the person requesting it? Sorry, that doesn't work.
And if you mean, can you have a good moan about someone without me being able to find out the other side of the story, then I'm afraid I don't want to hear it. I've heard some dreadful slanders as a clergyman.
However, with those exceptions, yes, you can trust me to try and listen to your problem, and understand what you're saying and feeling. It may be that I have to recommend you to take some professional "Counselling", but I will do my best to be of some help.
Q. Suppose someone asks you about something which you have undertaken to keep confidential. What do you say?
A. That's difficult. As far as possible I try to turn the question round: if they say "Did you know that...?", then I say "Would you like to tell me about it?". If they press the question "Did you know?", I usually say "No - but you must understand that I wouldn't have revealed a confidentiality even if I had known". The fact is there is no truthful way of answering which doesn't reveal that you knew, and for that reason I dislike confidentialities.
John Hartley