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October 2000, Page 8.
Index of articles.
Questions:
index,
Yeast at HC,
Jerusalem,
Spilled wine,
Multifaith,
Why marry,
Christenings.
Marriage:
index,
Remarriage,
Why marry,
Preparation.
In this issue:
(October 2000)
Vicar's Letter,
Money & Missions,
11.15am changes,
Question.
In our "Questions to the clergy" slot, John will try to answer any query you throw at him, without hesitation, deviation or repetition...
Why should I get married?
Q. My partner and I are quite happy living together, and I don’t feel I need marriage just yet. Why should I get married?
A. I am not sure you should get married.
At present about 50% of marriages end in divorce or separation, but about two thirds of unmarried cohabitations end in separation. When couples have lived together before marriage their chances of divorce are about 60% (compared to 40% if they hadn’t). All this is rather surprising when you consider that many couples begin living together partly because they want to discover whether they are “compatible” before they take the step of marriage. It indicates that you can’t discover compatibility that way.
I also suspect (but there are no hard statistics for this) that if couples begin their life together by deciding to put the wedding on hold, then often they leave the wedding on hold until something starts to go wrong in their relationship. At that point they may try to repair the damage by getting married, often thinking a church wedding may give them the best chance. They soon discover that getting married is not the solution to their difficulties, and they end by splitting up.
So I guess there are three things I would like to say:
First, I think people ought to begin their relationship together by a period of engagement, during which they do not live or sleep together. The bible says that sexual intercourse should belong within the commitment of marriage (e.g. Genesis 2:24, quoted 3 times in the New Testament, says “one flesh” belongs after the leaving parents and cleaving to each other). Besides the bible saying so, it’s good sound sense. During this time you can discover whether you have enough in common, enough respect for each other, and enough forgiveness, to get you through the times when physical attraction will not be enough to keep you together. Then comes marriage, when you open God’s wedding gift to you.
Second, if you have already begun living together, I think you should realize that you’re in the high-risk category for relationship breakdown, and ask some serious questions about how you can make sure the two of you will not come apart. This may include marriage, but I think some practical things like courses on communication, managing your money, and assertiveness may be a lot more important.
And third, if you want your life to work out well, I think you should try Christianity. After all, God designed us, so he knows how we work best. The bible is his manual for our lives, and church is about helping us to discover what he says.
John Hartley