St Luke's Church Eccleshill - Articles from "The Link"

In our "Questions to the clergy" slot, John will try to answer any query you throw at him, without hesitation, deviation or repetition...

Special Parents for Special Children?

Q. I recently said to you that “God chooses special parents when he is looking for where to put his children with special needs.” You weren’t very pleased with what I said. Why not?

A. Yes, you’re right, I wasn’t very pleased. I realise you meant it for the best, but I recommend you don’t say this to the parents of children with special needs. Here are three reasons:

1. It isn’t true. Statistically, children with special needs are born into all sorts of different situations with equal frequency. A lot of families break up under the strains of having a child with special needs, and certainly the divorce rate is higher among such parents. Most parents of such children, like me, feel inadequate, and we know perfectly well that we aren’t specially qualified to deal with our children.

2. It suggests an ogre for a God. It gives the impression that God chooses good people to punish by sending them special difficulties in their lives. I know perfectly well you don’t believe that, and neither do I, but that’s the impression. Most people, and I’m one, would turn against that sort of God - so when you say such a thing you make it more difficult for such people to become Christians.

3. It shuts up conversation. Your hope is to convey sympathy, but in order to do that you need to give me (or the parent you’re speaking to) the invitation to say what it’s really like to look after a special-needs child. Instead, your comment gives the idea that you understand the purposes of God in my life, and so you make it more difficult for me to say where I’m up to. A golden rule in beginning any conversation is that you should ask the other person to tell you about whatever it is, and not imagine for yourself until you’ve heard from them what they feel.

If you pressed me, I would have to agree that God works for the good of those who love him, that his strength is perfected in our weakness, and that he will provide ways out of our temptations (Rom 8:28, 2 Cor 12:9 & 1 Cor 10:13). I think that’s part of what you meant, but it’s a far cry from what you actually said.

John Hartley

	*St Luke's Church, Eccleshill - The Link* magazine** The Link is published monthly at 40p (Senior Citizens 35p), and we deliver free within the parish and post copies (at the reader's expense) to those who request it. Please contact us if you would like a free copy for a trial period. December 2001, Page 8.
Home Page. Index of articles. Questions: index, Who made God, Harry Potter, God after 11.9, Healing, Special needs, Choruses. In this issue: (December 2001) Vicar's Letter, Money, Braille & Tapes, Question.	In our "Questions to the clergy" slot, John will try to answer any query you throw at him, without hesitation, deviation or repetition... Special Parents for Special Children? Q. I recently said to you that “God chooses special parents when he is looking for where to put his children with special needs.” You weren’t very pleased with what I said. Why not? A. Yes, you’re right, I wasn’t very pleased. I realise you meant it for the best, but I recommend you don’t say this to the parents of children with special needs. Here are three reasons: 1. It isn’t true. Statistically, children with special needs are born into all sorts of different situations with equal frequency. A lot of families break up under the strains of having a child with special needs, and certainly the divorce rate is higher among such parents. Most parents of such children, like me, feel inadequate, and we know perfectly well that we aren’t specially qualified to deal with our children. 2. It suggests an ogre for a God. It gives the impression that God chooses good people to punish by sending them special difficulties in their lives. I know perfectly well you don’t believe that, and neither do I, but that’s the impression. Most people, and I’m one, would turn against that sort of God - so when you say such a thing you make it more difficult for such people to become Christians. 3. It shuts up conversation. Your hope is to convey sympathy, but in order to do that you need to give me (or the parent you’re speaking to) the invitation to say what it’s really like to look after a special-needs child. Instead, your comment gives the idea that you understand the purposes of God in my life, and so you make it more difficult for me to say where I’m up to. A golden rule in beginning any conversation is that you should ask the other person to tell you about whatever it is, and not imagine for yourself until you’ve heard from them what they feel. If you pressed me, I would have to agree that God works for the good of those who love him, that his strength is perfected in our weakness, and that he will provide ways out of our temptations (Rom 8:28, 2 Cor 12:9 & 1 Cor 10:13). I think that’s part of what you meant, but it’s a far cry from what you actually said. John Hartley
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