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October 2002, Page 8.
Index of articles.
Questions:
index,
Apocrypha,
Creationism,
Change,
Wedding Blessings,
Funerals,
Sex & Archbp.
In this issue:
(October 2002)
Vicar's Letter,
Roof Money,
Window,
Question,
Schooling,
Deanery.
In our "Questions to the clergy" slot, John will try to answer any query you throw at him, without hesitation, deviation or repetition...
If you didn't know the deceased
Q. You must find it very hard to take funerals of people you never knew during their lives?
A. Yes, I admit I do find it hard, but I also find it hard taking the funerals of people I did know. Although I’ve now been doing them 17 years now, I still find funerals one of the most difficult parts of a vicar’s job.
There are lots of problems with funerals. One problem is that funerals are just words. The person you wanted to be able to speak to and say ‘goodbye’ to isn’t there, and any service seems irrelevant to the fact that they’ve gone. Little words weigh nothing in the face of death. A poet once wrote that he couldn’t believe how the sun had the gall to rise the next morning after his beloved had died - and I agree with that sentiment!
Another problem is that you can’t do proper justice to anyone in the few minutes that you are allowed at the crematorium. How can you sum up a person’s whole live in a quick ten minutes? It can’t be done. In fact, you can’t really do people justice even if you take much longer. A recent funeral at our church went on over an hour - but even then there were lots of things about the deceased which never really got said properly.
Another problem is that each of us only ever sees one side of a person’s character. Even when I know someone well, I don’t know them from your point of view - only my own. There will be things they said or did in your presence that I never knew about. Each person unlocks a different door in our own hearts. So even if I knew the deceased well, I need to remember to ask others about what to say at the funeral, and speak not just from my own point of view.
And finally, our memories don’t work properly at funerals. Quite often the close family arrive and leave in a haze, and afterwards can’t recall what was said. I’ve experienced that myself, so I can’t blame anyone else for not listening.
For all their faults, funerals are important, and are a key part of the bereavement process. But I think we need to find other ways of paying respect to the momories of those whom we have loved but see no longer. And Jesus can be a real help to us in this. Which is why I recommend people to start coming to church after funerals - where we can meet friends and find the greatest Friend to help in our time of need.
John Hartley