St Luke's Church Eccleshill - Articles from "The Link"

In our "Questions to the clergy" slot, John will try to answer any question that you throw at him ...

Bound by a deathbed promise?

Q. I promised my wife on her deathbed, several years ago, that I would always be loyal to her and never marry again. Am I bound by that promise?

A. I do have a lot of sympathy for the view that once one has made a promise, one should keep it, even if it works out very differently from the way one expected it to work out. There is no doubt that you and your wife were very much in love. You would have been rightly upset if anyone had made a tactless comment such as: "there are lots of other good fish in the sea." (People say these things when they're trying to be helpful, and often they don't realize how hurtful it can be.) And the bible commends the man who keeps his oath even when it hurts (Psalm 15:4).

However, my answer is no, I don't think you are bound by this promise, for three reasons.

First: marriage is for life but not for eternity. Jesus was once asked about this - you can read it in Matthew 22:23-33, Mark 12:18-27 and Luke 20:27-40. In his reply he said that in the resurrection, people will not marry: they will be like angels. Marriage is for down here on earth, not up there in heaven. I realize this is not a very comforting thing to say when we are looking forward to joining our loved ones when we die, but it is part of the bible's teaching that after our death we who believe in Jesus will go to be with him. Yes, we will be reunited with others who believe in Jesus too, but the bible's focus is on us being with Jesus rather than on us being with them.

Second, your deceased wife's love for you means that she would have wanted you to be happy. True 'love' means wanting the best for the person whom one loves, even if that best means that we personally cannot fulfil the need. When Shuna and I had a stillborn baby in 1995 I found she needed other women friends to talk to, and I wasn't much comfort in her grief. My love for her meant I wanted her to spend time with those who could help her when I couldn't. I believe your deceased wife would want you to be with someone who makes you happy now that she can't.

Third, there are promises we shouldn't have made, and we need to be released from them. Promising in love with a wife who can reciprocate that love and promise is one thing; promising to an unknown future without that wife is quite another; and I don't think you ought to have promised that. Widowhood marks the end of marriage, releases us from its promises, and restores us to singleness again.

John Hartley

	*St Luke's Church, Eccleshill - The Link* magazine** The Link is published monthly at 40p (Senior Citizens 35p), and we deliver free within the parish and post copies (at the reader's expense) to those who request it. Please contact us if you would like a free copy for a trial period. July 2004, Page 11.
Home Page. Index of articles: by subject, by date. In this issue: (July 2004) Galatians, Chorltons, Clergy employment. Question. Other questions to the clergy.	In our "Questions to the clergy" slot, John will try to answer any question that you throw at him ... Bound by a deathbed promise? Q. I promised my wife on her deathbed, several years ago, that I would always be loyal to her and never marry again. Am I bound by that promise? A. I do have a lot of sympathy for the view that once one has made a promise, one should keep it, even if it works out very differently from the way one expected it to work out. There is no doubt that you and your wife were very much in love. You would have been rightly upset if anyone had made a tactless comment such as: "there are lots of other good fish in the sea." (People say these things when they're trying to be helpful, and often they don't realize how hurtful it can be.) And the bible commends the man who keeps his oath even when it hurts (Psalm 15:4). However, my answer is no, I don't think you are bound by this promise, for three reasons. First: marriage is for life but not for eternity. Jesus was once asked about this - you can read it in Matthew 22:23-33, Mark 12:18-27 and Luke 20:27-40. In his reply he said that in the resurrection, people will not marry: they will be like angels. Marriage is for down here on earth, not up there in heaven. I realize this is not a very comforting thing to say when we are looking forward to joining our loved ones when we die, but it is part of the bible's teaching that after our death we who believe in Jesus will go to be with him. Yes, we will be reunited with others who believe in Jesus too, but the bible's focus is on us being with Jesus rather than on us being with them. Second, your deceased wife's love for you means that she would have wanted you to be happy. True 'love' means wanting the best for the person whom one loves, even if that best means that we personally cannot fulfil the need. When Shuna and I had a stillborn baby in 1995 I found she needed other women friends to talk to, and I wasn't much comfort in her grief. My love for her meant I wanted her to spend time with those who could help her when I couldn't. I believe your deceased wife would want you to be with someone who makes you happy now that she can't. Third, there are promises we shouldn't have made, and we need to be released from them. Promising in love with a wife who can reciprocate that love and promise is one thing; promising to an unknown future without that wife is quite another; and I don't think you ought to have promised that. Widowhood marks the end of marriage, releases us from its promises, and restores us to singleness again. John Hartley
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