Transition Diary

June 10, 2003

I’m starting hormones today. It feels weird to actually write that, because it feels like I have been preparing for this day for most of my life. I had my last therapy session last Monday and my therapist wrote the letter recommending testosterone.

I’m really scared for what’s to come for me, yet excited at the same time. A really poor comparison would be what it was like when I first moved away to college. I knew that my life was changing, yet had no idea what to expect. I have some fears like, what if my voice doesn’t really change dramatically, or has a weird resonance like some transguys? Or, will my facial characteristics easily identify me as a transman(because you really can tell in some) to those who notice, and not give me the invisibility as a transperson that passes close to 100% of the time that I really want. And, superficially part of me is scared of being too hairy, bald, and just plain funny looking.

This is giving me the chance to finally feel comfortable in my body, and be able to match up what I am feeling on the inside with my outsides. No matter how hard I have tried through dress and appearances to pass, I feel as if I don’t..and the times that I do I am seen as a 14 year old boy and not a 23 year old man.

June 13, 2003

I actually ended getting my first shot today. My doc has me at 200mg/every 2weeks. I'm kind of in disbelief that I am actually on it, but I'm sure that will change when I actually start seeing results

June 24, 2003

I've been on T now for 11 days. Nothing huge has happend, but there have been some small things that are at least noteworthy. The days following my shot I was dead tired. Seriously, I'm not a guy who is a fan of naps, but I REALLY needed them. My body was just worn down, I don't know if that has to do with the fact that I was in the process of moving as well as my girlfriend was graduating from WWU at the same time, I'll have to pay attention to how I feel after my next shot.

Scents have changed, like the smell "down there", and I have seen some growth of my clit as well. My skin is getting oilier, but I luckily I haven't started breaking out too bad. When I went to get my shot, the doctor also prescribed me some Erythomicin gel, as well as Retin A, ugh, the same stuff that I used in highschool. Also, I feel that my libido is up, and I'm getting turned on alot easier..with my new growth of my clit this is beginning to get uncomfortable and I really hope it dies down some..but I really doubt that it will. I was at a discussion group for FTMs a couple weeks ago, and I remember someone saying something about how it never dies down, and you just get used to it, great.

My voice has changed a little, nothing really all that noticable or dramatic, basically the only people who really noticed were my girlfriend and my roommate. Interesting though is that since I have had my shot I've had this weird hot sensation in my throat.

I feel that my patience wears thin a little easier. But, right now I just think it's more because people are really as annoying as I think they are, and because I've been cooped up too much with out much time on my own. I'm really watching myself though, I'm really scared of becoming a total ass, as well as losing my girlfriend.

My girlfriend and I have been having alot of talks recently about identity. Part of her is afraid of living the rest of her life and being viewed as straight. I understand this to a point, but before me she was never in a queer relationship. I guess I just don't completely get how people's sexuality gets so wrapped into their personal identity. I'm trying my best to be understanding of her, and really I identify as queer as well. I enjoy the queer community, but I feel my ties aren't super strong and I'd be okay if people viewed me as a hetero male in a hetero relationship.

July 13, 2003

So, I think my hypothesis about me getting worn out after my shot is true, because it happend again. It's weird, I feel like a toddler that really needs his nap.

Other than that there's not much to say. I put the comparrison pictures up, and obviously there aren't a whole lot of visible changes. I'm moodier, and hornier, and that's about it.

August 2nd, 2003

Today marks my 50th day on testosterone. My voice has dropped steadily each week. I don't know if I would consider it in "male range" yet, but it is definitly lower. I've also started to sprout more facial hair, nothing drastic though, but definitly more hair on the chin..and a few more in the sideburns. The shape of my stomach has actually changed some, it's not quite a beer gut, yet it is definitly different. That's all I really am noticing. I'll make sure to write a detailed report at the 2 month mark.

September 7, 2003

Changes are starting to become more apparent now. I now have facial hair on my neck and it's sparse around the jaw line. It'd be fun to have enough to grow out a little stubble, but right now I'd look like a clueless teenage boy. I can definitly see my face shape changing too. It's weird, I can't exactly tell what is different, but it is changing. My body is also squaring off more..I'm looking forward to my ass shrinking more. I'm realizing too that I'm becoming alot moodier, and the closer it is for me to be getting my shot the crankier I get. When I go in to see my doctor for my 3 month check up I'm going to talk to her about that, and perhaps see if I can change to a weekly shot schedule as opposed to every other week.