My Story

“The most terrifying thing is to except oneself completely.”

I grew up in a small suburban neighborhood. The type of place where kids went to each other’s houses freely with out parental concern. It was the kind of neighborhood that the boys could build ramps in the middle of the street for their bikes and skateboards. And, the rare car that drove down 20th would have to stop and wait for us to finish our play in our daily pick-up baseball game

For as long as I remember, I wanted to be a boy. And, for a good part of my youth I was. I remember a painful conversation with my father when he urged me to start spending time with the girls in the neighborhood, because soon the boys wouldn’t want to hang out with me. It killed me when my friends got to join Boy Scouts, Little League, and Pee Wee Football. No longer were teams co-ed and I was left with the option of Girl Scouts and slow-pitch softball.

I prayed every night that I would wake up and be a boy. I pushed my limits each time my parents took me to the hairdresser, so they would let me have my hair as short as I wanted it. Each visit to the mall to buy clothing was painful. I cringed at the clothing in the girls section and tried to find the most androgynous things in the department, and usually my parents would cave in and let me buy one thing from the boys.

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was fairly young. My Dad had custody of me, but every couple of weekends I would head to my Mom’s house 20 minutes away. When I would go to the ice skating rink in that town which I would do most weekends I would pass as the boy that I wanted to be.

Puberty was painful. Somehow I had gotten through my youth with out much ridicule from other kids(miracle I know), and I was pretty well liked. It was becoming more and more apparent that for acceptance I would have to conform. Around this time I was also the first time that I heard the term transsexual, and I had heard a story about a woman becoming a man. I knew this was what I wanted to do, but I felt a lot of shame about it because I felt that nobody would ever understand.

When I came to college I began identifying as a lesbian. I was very involved with the Christian ministry organization on our campus so I was very closeted, and very ashamed and depressed. Eventually after a failed attempt of being an ex-gay, and a lot help and support from the people around me I slowly began to accept myself. I lost the fear that I had of people judging me for the way I dressed or wore my hair, and found acceptance within the queer community that just thought of me as a boyish lesbian(or one of the masses of girls who just came out of their closet and cut their hair short)

My issues with my gender were still very strong. But, this seemed all before my small college town seemed to have anyone educated about trans-issues, and I was completely unaware of the resources that were available to me. I still felt a lot of shame, and part of me still felt is was very sick and wrong for me to live my life as male. I also thought that all individuals that identified as trans had to be incredibly weird. And, there was a lot of fear on my part of being seen as a disgusting immoral person.

I had all these judgements and preconceptions before ever really spending time with someone that identified as an FTM. A friend of mine began dating a girl from out of town. One day she came home to tell us that her girlfriend wanted to be referred to by a male name, and wanted to be referred to by male pronouns. Part of me was completely confused and in shock, I didn’t think anyone else really felt this way, as well as he seemed pretty normal. Also, the people that I was friends with seemed to react to him pretty well. That summer and fall with friends I went to a few trans-awareness panels/workshops. I did a TON of research on the internet, and very slowly I began to accept myself.

I slowly began to come out to friends and family. I wasn’t in a huge hurry, and for me it was just better that way. Also, it has given my family and friends a good amount of time for stuff to really sink in.

I’ve recently begun therapy, and taking testosterone is a possibility in the near future. I’m both scared and excited for what the future has to bring for me, and I thank God every day for the wonderful love and support of the people around me.